A letter from Jesse about his relationship with Tanyn
9.25.2024
Tanyn and I first started talking more not-flirtatiously a few weeks prior to the SF trip. Prior to that there would be group lunch/walks to fashion island food court. Would never be anything bad from any flirtatious standpoint but just normal appropriate jokes and things like that. We booked our travel together because we wanted to split uber and make it easier getting to SF. We were on a teams call to book the flight and the hotel since we were really late to book this, the hotel situation was terrible but it was comical. We were both excited for the work trip as we thought it would be fun, I would say at about this time is when conversations started getting more conversational. Generally is it would start as water cooler talk and her or her and kat would be talking about their significant others, frustrations, etc. problems. It didn’t take long and then I was joining in on that as a vent session or to get things off my chest. Sometimes we would all eat in the breakroom or go to the food court to eat.
I do not remember a single time at the old office where we went out to eat just us two except for the very first week when I went out to lunch with everyone in my department individually.
SF Trip:
We met at John Wayne and had a beer at one of the restaurants before our flight. She told me that she always gets lost and follows random people so we shared location services. I kept this on my phone for a long time and didn’t end up removing this from my phone until a few weeks ago.
Flight - We didn’t sit next to each other on the flight we were a row separated
Got to the hotel checked in all normal
There was an initial welcome speech and reception (we missed the speech because the flight was delayed)
We met with Matt Bosco (finance guy from NYC) at the reception and had a drink/dinner at the bar down below the hotel
Next day was a lot of meetings, and we walked back after one of our meetings to go to the hotel she had calls and I needed to take a quick call as well. I walked her on the way back to Starbucks and then went back solo, did my call and went back to workday sessions.
That night we met up with Matt Bosco at the evening sessions and he came back to our hotel bar where we all had dinner and then each retired to our rooms after that (he was staying at a much nicer hotel but about 4 miles away)
Next day was a lot of meetings, and we walked back after one of our meetings to go to the hotel she had calls and I needed to take a quick call as well. I walked her on the way back to Starbucks and then went back solo, did my call and went back to workday sessions.
That night we met up with Matt Bosco at the evening sessions and he came back to our hotel bar where we all had dinner and then each retired to our rooms after that (he was staying at a much nicer hotel but about 4 miles away)
The next night we went to a bar after the last session and I started having drinks, then we went and got an uber to the Alcatraz just me and her and did the tour. We had fun on the tour and this is when you called and lied to you about the ‘group’ I was with. After the tour just me and her went to grab dinner at some pub in San Francisco. We walked back to our hotel and decided to grab one more drink at the bar before retiring for the night. While at this last drink, I blatantly hit on her and called her a smoke show. She just moved on from this and did not really acknowledge the comment and didn’t say anything and we both went back to our rooms, we was on floor 4 ro 5 and I was on 7 I believe. I didn’t know her room at this point.
Next day more workday meetings, I believe we walked together to morning sessions (we were always in different workday sessions, I was Talent focused she was payroll and operations).
Thursday was the night of the killers concert. We went back after the last session to our rooms to get ready. We were planning on going to a sushi restaurant that Kat had recommended because she used to live in SF. We walked there and then had dinner. Pretty normal conversation, then we took an uber to the arena. The uber ride was by this weird old guy named Juan who made a lot of weird comments and where some inside jokes came from. He talked the whole time and said “you need to caress a women like an avocado, gentle but firm.” Really bizarre but we got out and got to the arena and had a lot of fun at the concert. It was open seating and we sat next to each other, all food and drinks were free, I had a lot of beers. Concert wrapped there were tour buses taking people back to the hotel area but I said lets just walk instead because they were filling up and I didn’t want to wait for anything. We walked back and it was probably about 2 miles. I had to pee on the way so got off the road around some bushes and relieved myself and we went back to the hotel bar. She went upstairs to her room while I got us drinks at the bar. I was pretty inebriated at this moment and she came back and I said my beer is too strong I should get a mixed drink. She stopped me and said no just be done. It was at this point we were talking about how weird the rooms were and she was telling me that she had another layout so I went up with her to her floor to her room and saw her room. I stepped maybe 1-2 feet in the room to see it all and then was telling her oh my sink is on the opposite side and she said I want to see it, so we walked up to my room and I opened the door and she saw mine. Same thing she probably stepped in all the way to my room and actually thought she could see her room 2-3 stories down from my window (it was overlooking this alley way). There was no touching or kissing or anything sexual. She walked back to her room and stuck her head at the window and we waved and that was it.
The next morning I was hungover and we went to Dennys so I could get breakfast and then back to the airport. Flight was delayed for multiple hours so we sat next to each other at the airport watching our all hands meeting. I think I grabbed coffees for us while she saved me a seat at the airport and walked to Lyft/uber pickup and OC and then she got picked up first and me about 10 minutes later. That was the end of that trip.
After SF Trip
At this point we were at the new offices of Boldyn and I don’t recall much really transpiring for any conversation for at least a month or two other then reflecting on the fun trip we had. She said I was a really good person to travel with. We had very easy flowing conversation. There were a lot of times she would vent about her husband either not having a job or being extremely messy, not putting away laundry, not putting away dishes, never cleaning etc. I joined in on this while talking about you. We had similar frustrations with our spouses and we vented to one another. Sometimes Kat would join in as well. We would often sit outside at the patio/bench tables and talk for a ‘brain break’ and to get away from the computer. These conversations would span across all topics, music/movies/what everyone is watching, venting and complaining about work or home life, weekend plans etc. It was never flirtatious when others were around, only when I was there by myself with her one on one.
The majority of the time the conversations were venting conversations, complaining about work, spouses, etc. Overtime they started to get more flirty and more sexual but it really happened after the Halloween party last year. At the Halloween party Tim extracted out of her in minutes that she had a threesome. I did not know this at the time. On Monday morning after school drop off Tim told me that she said that. She pulled me into a room on Monday and said what did I hear and I repeated that to her. She didn’t really know where I was at this point but I think that was the turning point where I saw a more open door and decided to push it more and more.
Slowly our conversations incorporated more about talking about sex. It included talking about frequency with our spouses, our preferences, what our ideal number of times would be etc. This was never an every day conversation but they occurred often. I’m not exactly sure of the time frame but this is when dirty funny jokes used to get shared. Super quick-witted dumb things like ‘that’s what she said’ and other things. Based on the conversations sometimes they were much worse than others. She would say things like “it’s a big file” and I’d say that’s what she said and really dumb stuff like that. There were worse things too that I would say but I to the life of me don’t remember all the details of things I would say. There were things way more over the line and way more in terms of sexual implications. With that said the comments I made always came from more of a joking place to be funny but even though they were ‘funny’ they were absolutely inappropriate. I also told her about my preferences and what I liked, what I have done and what I have not done. I asked her what she doesn’t like sexually to do and she said Anal, I told her I have never done that, I said I hate anything to do with feet or cumming on a face.
When we were at Kalveras for that $220 bill me her and Kat went there around lunch hour and stayed there for hours. When Kat went to the Bathroom I told her that I would have sex with her. I said that I would like to ‘tie her up.’ I was way too many margaritas deep and I was being an idiot and still seeing how much I could push it. We had good banter and could shoot the shit quickly to one another, making fun of one another etc. The conversations in total made me happy and they were fun. The relationship we had made me happy, I genuinely looked forward to speaking to her. I think we do have a lot in common and there was absolutely some sort of connection.
I’m not sure exactly on the timeline but there was another comment made. We had an HR outing up at Herb & Ranch where the Irvine Company put on a little outing for the office rentals in the area. As we were waiting for our food from the food truck which we were the last two people in our group, everyone else had grabbed a table, I asked her who is your hall pass celebrity crush and she said Julian Edleman and then I said oh let me google how to look like Julian Edleman and she said something like you kind of do already.
There was a team happy hour at TEN sushi (not sure on time frame) and after the group happy hour Tanyn, Kat and Myself went next door to grab a drink. We sat at the bar. Tanyn was in middle of us. We were all talking about sexual stuff and likes and she whispered something to Kat and I said what and she whispered in my ear ‘choking.’ She also said hair pulling and Kat pulled her hair down low and I said no this is how you do it and I pulled her hair at the base of her hairline and gave a tug. This was the absolute extent of any and all physical contact. Nothing else has ever happened with her. No touching, no kissing, no hand holding, no touching her over her clothes, under her clothes, no walking side by side with her, no finger or hand stuff, no oral, no sex, nothing. It was never going to go there. It has always been about the chase and the mind games I play to win someone over, pushing the boundaries as far as I could without getting caught. That is the thrill to me. I would never have the balls to be able to go through with the physical part. I’m not sure how it came up but we did talk that nothing would ever happen even though we had talked about because as long as there are spouses there would be nothing physical but we never made plans to have sex with each other or have any rendezvous point or anything. It was absolutely filling an emotional void for me and I was giving all of my time and energy to her, not to you. It was the easy route for me. She said yes to everything and agreed with almost everything I said. She paid a lot of attention to me and we laughed a lot. Not everything was a sexual comment but there was always laughter underneath it.
Boldyn LA Trip
This was roughly October time frame last year up in LA when I was staying at the JW Marriott at Crypto. Not sure what day it started but went up the first day and had a lot of meetings and then we had our outing at the soccer field. All pretty normal meetings, I sat with different groups of people around the company, mainly hiring managers I had supported and on the bus ride down to The soccer field I sat with Tanyn, Makenzie and Dominic (from UK). All normal conversations, everyone was making fun of my stance shorts. Makenzie, myself, Naomi and another 40 people or so were in the first group to play soccer. This is when you called me upset that I was at a soccer event. From there we went back to the hotel and we got ready for the night event which was a planned suite at crypto to watch a preseason basketball clippers game. I was mingling with everyone and then was sitting with Tanyn and Makenzie while eating food. I went to the bathroom and that is when you text me that I was putting work before this family and “this marriage has run its course.” So I didn’t say bye, left, and immediately drove home.
Next night was another full day of meetings and then back to hotel and got ready for our event which was dinner at grammy museum. Before the event started a group of about 12 of us, all HR team from across nation and some in UK met in hotel lobby and walked over. We walked around the museum and then after a while head upstairs for dinner. We all had assigned seating. After the dinner and awards mak/naomi/tanyn/me hung out, naomi and tanyn were dancing I was talking to a lot of the leaders I support. After that everyone was going out in LA. A group of about 40 of us walked up the street to a hotel bar which was closing. Makenzie and tanyn and I decided to go to a rooftop bar, don’t know the name where we hung out for about an hour getting drinks. Then were walking back to the hotel and saw the seven grand bar and we went in there for a drink and then we uber’d back to the hotel. From there the three of us went to Tanyns room (I didn’t know it when we checked in but we were on the same floor on the opposite ends of the wing). We were hanging out chatting in tanyns room all of us, pretty casual, nothing sexual and then Makenzie said she wanted to get changed and I did to, so we went back to our respective rooms, I put on swim trunks because I thought we would go to the pool (found out it was closed) and then headed back to Tanyns room. I got back to tanyns room first and Makenzie took another 20-25 minutes time. In the time in her room she was sitting on her bed and I was sitting on a chair. Absolutely nothing happened, Makenzie ended up coming back and we probably chatted until about 130-2am. Went back to the room and were up at about 7am for meetings. That was the last day of that event and then came home that night around 5-7pm.
Recent HR Offsite
Day 1 was all day meetings near our old Mobilitie office by Fashion Island. After we all drove separately and went to a restuarunt near the Cannery on Lido. I sat next to Alan Cohen, Stephanie, Kat, and I believe Heather. After dinner I headed home.
Day 2 Makenzie picked me up because we were initially going to have your tires changed that day, had a lot of meetings and then broke out for our team bonding event where we went to the Candle lab to make candles. During the candle making portion I sat next to Tanyn and Makenzie. The owner picked our seats and I was doing my candle. After the candle we had to wait for about 30min where I played the heads up charades game with Naomi, Cat, Eunice and some others. Then we went to RA sushi for dinner happy hour, I think I had 1 or two beers here and a good amount of sushi. After this a group of 6 or 8 of us went to Casa Del Sol which is directly across from RA where I was at with Makenzie, Alan, Stephanie, Kat, Tanyn, Erin, and Erica. We had at least two pitchers of Margaritas there. This is where the Mariachi band came by and sang a song for our table so I tipped them $20. After that Makenzie gave me a ride home. That was the end of it, the only one that left early was Kat.
Pilates
Same story as in the first letter. I went there because I knew she really liked it so I did an intro class and then signed up. The first 6 or so classes I did were always by myself but I made plans to go to Pilates with her. The first time we had scheduled she had to cancel and I believe I still went to that class. We ended up having a class on August 27th. After that class we walked over to Ralphs as I was looking for an iced coffee and she was looking for Pepto. We were kind of arguing jokingly in the store about where things would be and as we get to the back of the store there is this old guy, maybe 75yrs old that says “are you guys newlyweds?” and I laughed and said “yeah.” The last class I had with her was 9/12 and that was the last class I have taken. The first class we took with each other she was across the room from me and the class was full. The second class I took we were on reformers right next to each other. During the class we were both completely focused on the workout. After the class I walked with her to Dunkin to get a coffee and I got nothing. After she got her order we walked back to our cars and left to come home.
7/2 Conversation:
Luke was in town this week and I was going out with him almost every night. I was still at work on I believe 7/1 and 7/2. Im not sure exactly what days I was in office and not. Tanyn/Kat/Lesley/Me had lunch at Kalaveras that Lesley had called and scheduled because she wanted to ask for advice on how to tell Christos she got another offer. She actually did not end up telling me there but telling me later. I am pretty positive this was a Taco Tuesday so most of the money went towards drinks and Tacos were pretty cheap. With that said as we were all talking at lunch Tanyn said her and Darrin were going out to dinner in the Circle that night, most likely to Bosscat or Tabu Shabu and I said I’m taking Luke out lets meet up at O’Haras if you can make it because he wanted to go out. At the end of the day I believe she said she didn’t think they would be able to meet up but Luke and I went anyways and they were already there. We all played 3 rounds of pool and had 3 rounds of drinks. I had a lot of fun, conversation was great, we were all sitting at a 4 person table and just laughing and talking about all sorts of things but nothing sexual to my recollection at all at this lunch.
After it was time to go home, maybe around 10/1030 Luke and I drove back down Chapman and Tanyn and Darrin walked home. Luke was saying how nice she was and how awesome. He thought she was absolutely fantastic and that her and Darrin were both really awesome. That’s why I called her Something About Mary because people who met Mary in the movie all liked her.
Back to 7/2 when she said thanks for a very fun lunch that’s exactly what she was talking about, how we all had a fun lunch. Regarding the Salt Shaker comment I have no idea or recollection of that whatsoever. It might have been regarding her new Tattoo on her arm but I honestly have no idea.
Comments I remember/And Times at the office:
I’ve told her she has a really nice core from Pilates
“Fine Ass Pair of Elbows” This was another dumb joke where I was trying to get a laugh. When she showed me her most recent tattoo I jokingly said dang look at that skin, that’s a nice pair of elbows. So that became a really stupid joke. And I started saying that
When she wore a Kaleo band tshirt it has the band handprints all over the shirt, was an album cover and I said those two hands are right over the boobs. She said great now you have ruined a piece of clothing and said that’s all she thinks about now when she puts it on.
What is having a Jesse Day? She always gives me shit because she says I don’t work because I was able to go to pilates during the day, or always picking the kids up and weird times or whatever. She is usually bombarded with meetings all day where I usually plan and structure my day a little bit better. I believe on 7/2 she told me she was getting her hair or her nails done and I said something to the effect have a good ‘Jesse Day.’ Which means enjoy some time to yourself not being locked on your computer screen. Nothing more than that
We would often have coffees outside at the outdoor picnic areas if it was nice out for usually an afternoon break for about 20minutes
Every once and a while we would go to the couch lounge area inside the office just to get away from the desk
One time me her and Kat walked to Moon Goat coffee at the next over office area, got a coffee and walked back
One or two times Tanyn, me, Kristy (used to work in our benefits from OR) and someone else I cant remember drove to Moon Goat coffee to get a coffee and then head back and then did a Irvine company painting by numbers thing up by Herb and Ranch
In any of the group conversations nothing was ever bad, completely appropriate, when I was alone I was trying to push the boundaries and see what I could get away with
The time we went to Taco Rosa around Valentines day wasn’t a planned date to be on valentines day weekend or anything. Completely random and unintentional. I cannot recall any of the conversation, most if it probably find and some of it probably not. I do not recall many specifics and what I do recall I regret deeply
Car Rides
I have been in her car with her and Kat and Makenzie on the way to North
I have been in her car with her and Kat to the Cafeteria by work ‘Skyworks’ 2-3x
I have been in her car solo to Taco Rosa
I have been in her car solo to Eureka Café
I have been in her car with Kat up to Herb & Ranch for a work outing lunch
I have been in her car with Makenzie and Stephanie to Eureka
She has been in my car to Skyworks café 1-2x
She has been in my car with Kat to Skyworks Café 1-2x
She has been in my car on the way to Total Wine and a Donut Shop off of a Bison and Macarthur On the way over which I was driving we were on Bison three minutes from the office and I was talking with my hands while trying to move something by the cupholder and I accidently unbuckled her seatbelt. It was unintentional while we were driving and that was the end of that. It was funny in the sense that she asked are you trying to kill me
She has been in my car to Taco Rosa No part of the conversation has stood out or is of anything I can recollect
Nothing has ever happened in any car, there were no rendezvous sites or anything. Nothing physical has ever happened in a car.
Why didn’t I plan a date:
You told me Monday 9/16 at night about the dream you had and feeling like you were second place. That made me feel really bad, you also told me about Cheryl again and it made me want to withdraw more. With that said I do really like dating you and it was top of my mind. I talked to my Friend and Vendor Blake on 9/18 about how often he goes on dates with his wife as I know he is also really busy and he said they’ve been doing like once a month but need to do two and told me to step my game up. I was actively starting to think of things I just had not planned anything yet. I promise it was on my mind and was also looking at booking an Air BnB for Something Corporate on 10/11 but wanted to find some places first which I was looking at and then was going to ask you if you wanted to spend the night. I had coordinated with my parents prior to spend the night that night so we could go out and have a night out.
After talking to Rocky and I told him this when he came over last Saturday we talked about this and he educated me bluntly. He said the man has to plan everything, literally everything and then the woman will appreciate it. So I’ve been brought up to speed on that. You are really fun to date when we both focus on being in the moment and are not distracted.
What Happened and Where I’m at:
I am an overtly flirtatious person with a problem. Its an addiction for me in trying to push boundaries and see how far I can go with it. The more I think about it I truly don’t think I had an emotional connection with her but I kept talking to her because she engaged me in my stupid jokes and conversations. She was a distraction and I directed my energy that way. I know that its the ‘chase’ I love, not the end product. No sex of any kind ever happened. I never got a blow job, I never fingered her, I never kissed her. What I did do was I pulled her hair, flirted with her, and put her before you. That is unacceptable, shameful, embarrassing, and selfish. I don’t have feelings for Tanyn and I’m pretty positive she doesn’t have feelings for me. It was a mistake of engaging in conversation we shouldn’t have and we got wrapped up in it. If the sex talk would have never happened we would have had a normal, friendly, work relationship but I wanted to push the boundaries and see what I could get away with. It’s a repetitive behavior. The more I think about it I know there wasn’t an emotional connection. Yes there was some physical attraction absolutely but it was really me just chasing to prove that I could. I honestly don’t know if it comes from a lack of confidence, over confidence, narcissism, or what but its not healthy.
Throughout our relationship you have absolutely had me and I have been madly in love with you. Thinking about you constantly and every day of every minute. Also throughout our relationship I have been detached and focused on my own wants/needs/desires. I have fought to be with you in the past and I will continue to fight to be with you. Its not because I don’t want to lose you its because I do love you and want to be with you. I know as you are reading this is the last thing you want to hear, you wont believe me and that’s ok. I know what my truth is, I know what I did and what I didn’t do. We have been growing apart busy with work, not being active on dates, no intimacy for so long that I desired and craved that attention of being special while now looking at our situation, you were wanting the same. In my stupid mind I thought the line to cross was physical. Now I know this has been much, much worse, with deeper spider webs and a longer ongoing relationship.
You have never trusted me since Cheryl and I feel that too. It would come up every 9 months and makes me go more and more into a shell and withdraw. I’m not saying that is your fault, I once again put us in that situation and it just kept compounding and compounding and compounding. I can feel it just like you do, the tension. I don’t like tension and I hate it but I was too lazy to fix it and have difficult conversations.
I’m not asking for forgiveness and don’t expect any from you ever for what I have done over the course of our relationship . What I am going to do is the be the best person I can be. I will be stopping the flirtatious behavior through SAA and therapy. I am actually going to change this time, I used to just say it and take no action or just keep lying to myself, lying to you, and lying to therapists.
You asked in a recent text message to me to ‘please help me heal.’ I don’t know if anything I have written here will actually help you heal. But I really want you to know its not because of anything you did. This is the behavioral pattern I keep following and have never addressed. I have nothing left to lose and feel like I have already lost everything, you and the kids, family, and friends. This is the honest truth, for once. I am so sorry it took so long for me to finally wake up. You and the kids mean everything to me and I’m so sorry and ashamed I never did anything to fight for your love. I have been so complacent and going through the motions and I don’t deserve you. Whatever happens I want you to be happy. I will love the kids no matter what until the day I die.
In regards to Tanyn – as I told her last Monday and I will tell her again. Any and all conversation between us is over unless it is specifically for work. No hi how are you, no whats for lunch, nothing. There will only be a work interaction when necessary moving forward. Anything with her or anyone else is not worth my family, it is not worth it to jeopardize all that I have. It is never to late to do the right thing and that will be a path I will be committed to. My behavior was inexcusable and a slap directly to your face publicly. I will be sorry and apologetic for my behavior for a lifetime and it fills me with a lot of sorrow, regret, and embarrassment.
I want to work on this and know it will be a long road and an extremely heavy lift. I have a ton of things to work on myself before we get to working on us. I know its going to take years if ever to regain your trust and acceptance if that is even an option but I am willing and wanting to put in the work.
I know you still want some time apart and I will respect that as long as I need but I also want to see the kids as much as possible so please let me know when I can see them, go grocery shopping, meal prep, etc. I will be on your time frame so just let me know what works.